I had a dream I didn't want to wake up from, I'll be honest. I saw her again, and she said hi. All these two years of trying to convince myself that she broke my heart and she didn't deserve me, giving me a fucked up reasoning about how she was not ready for a relationship but had two boyfriends in as many years, never letting me know why I was never good enough. All these 2 years of trying to convince myself that that girl was poison seemed to melt away. I didn't care what she did in the past, or worry about what she will do. I was happy then to be caught in a place created in dreams with her and her alone. I would be lying if i whined about how I think about her all the time. I don't. I think about her less and less nowadays, it gets better as chronology continues. But that's the problem. The fact that I still do. I think about her, I miss her, sometimes.

I hate myself for realising it now. I don't understand why I haven't gotten over her yet. It has been close to 3 years now and she seems to be getting on along fine. I try to tell myself that I'm happy she's happy, but I'm not that great a guy. I hate her for not having a hard enough time as me. I hate that she was so hard to forget while I was a fleeting memory. From a young age I always thought I was too smart to fall for the schoolboy crush theory, that I would never conform to the facade of what the world calls love. I didn't even believe in it when I was in the first relationship in my life. I said it a couple of times, but I've never felt it. I've felt affection, I've felt care, concern, I've felt her lips against mine, her hands in mine. But, I'm starting to think that as a 16 year old, when I first smiled at a girl who didn't returned it, I might have fallen in love.

Enough of the mope-fest. Life fucks you over, the world doesn't stop. It kicks you in the crotch and spits in your face. Okay, now that's just the cynic in me trying to get out. But some things are only seen by the cynic, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. Life sucks, the world sucks. Point made, let's carry on.

It has been 4 weeks into SMU, I've not written a proper entry in years. But today was trying to say the least, so I'm giving it a shot(No one reads this blog anyway). Life in SMU has just been a slow and painful descend into an abyss of torment and suffering. I'm not getting used to the life at all. Homework is piling up, projects requiring more than just a powerpoint presentation with lots of pictures and my readings list looks like a library's stock list. Friends are hard to come by, familiar faces are few and even farther between. To make things worst, The ex is studying here, but it has been a good thing she's gone for a foreign exchange. If I had my choice I would choose never to see her again. There is no need to put myself through it. When she's back, I only have to avoid her for half a year before she graduates. So I suppose there is a ray of unfiltered sunlight shining on my world, which would probably give me skin cancer in the long run.

FML.